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Mike Stools
Speak to me in nob gags
They're the ones I like to hear.
When someone's cracking nob gags
It's like music to my ears.
Nob gags are the best,
They're the finest kind of humour.
Much better than an Irish joke
Or far fetched office rumour.
Oh, how I do love nob gags
I could hear them all day long.
If you make a puerile quip
It must involve a shlong
And if I'm looking glum
And I need some cheering up
A good old fashioned nob gag
Is the thing to perk me up.
If you're an early riser
Say that you're up with the cock.
This is my favourite nob gag
And it's guaranteed to shock.
Let me offer you a drink
While I'm standing at the bar
But please say "Mine's a large one",
And I know that we'll go far.
Follow me into the gents
And in a loud voice shout
That great urinal nob gag,
"This is where they all hang out"
Tell me it's twelve inches
But you don't use it as a rule,
Or say you have to bone up
For a big exam at school.
"You'll only feel a little prick,"
That's what the nurse did say
I said that she'd feel rather more
If I could have my way.
"Do you have a large part?"
I said unto the actor.
He said it's just the way he walked.
Oh, how we died with laughter.
"Have you got a stiff one?"
I asked down at the morgue.
The man said he'd just got it out
And slammed it in the drawer.
And then I asked the fireman,
"Can I go down on your pole?"
Oh, when it comes to nob gags
I could take on any role.
So speak to me in nob gags.
It's the tongue I understand,
For one thing about nob gags
Is they're never ever bland.
Some people say sarcasm
Is the lowest form of wit.
Then the highest is the nob gag.
It surely is a hit.
Oh, speak to me in nob gags
In the pub or on the pavement,
For only then I'll truly feel
That we're on the same wavelength.
And when you've told me all your nob gags
'Til they're printed on my brain.
You can repeat them all tomorrow
For I'll surely come again.
